Hey, look, a boundary, eep edition

I’m going to put this behind a cut because it’s coming off a bit cranky. Read at your own risk.

I don’t do well with setting boundaries; I don’t do well with enforcing them.

I do really well with learning other people’s and trying to respect that (Wyst says I am too good at trying to respect other people’s boundaries, actually), and I tend to expect other people will do the same for me, which would be a lot more reasonable if I was more clear on those boundaries, yes.

But I’m beginning to at least learn where they are. Generally by realizing when I’m really, really angry and stopping to take a look.

Here’s some new ones.

This one’s a deal-breaker, too:

  • Do not presume that my mental health should occur on your agenda.
    To start with, assuming that I’m not working on something because you don’t see change is pretty arrogant. To continue – I work on fixing things based on my mental comfort, my life, my marriage, my friendships, and my job, in about that order. So, you know, I might have something taking my energy that isn’t the brainweasel you think I ought to evict today.

    (Side note: Please see other boundaries, especially the one regarding “should,” this one)

  • Please don’t tell me how I should be feeling. It’s silencing (I learned this phrase recently, and it startles me how much it fits.) It’s just… just don’t do it, okay?
  • This one isn’t a boundary as much as it’s a tip: If you want to know how I’m feeling (emotions), ask. I won’t lie to you if asked directly.

It feels like there ought to be more, but that’s what I’ve got so far today

This entry was originally posted at http://aldersprig.dreamwidth.org/403960.html. You can comment here or there.

0 thoughts on “Hey, look, a boundary, eep edition

      • I think it’s a bit like exercise/hunger. When I was out of shape, I’d confuse nausea and hunger a lot, because I was never /really/ hungry. After a long day’s hiking, then I felt /hungry/. After a few times doing that, I began to be able to identify minor hunger signals. I’m not sure where I’m going with that. Just rambling.

      • Sometimes, that’s how it winds up working out. If you haven’t ever been pushed beyond your tolerance, how would you recognize the signs that you’re being pushed beyond your tolerance?

          • Yeah, I learned that even my saint-like patience has a limit… the hard way. I suppose it has been a while since I’ve been around, hasn’t it. I’ve been a bit less involved in LJ since I starting modding in a community elsewhere. I’m trying to keep everyone caught up, though. 🙂

        • Heh. That says what I wanted to, but far more coherently. 🙂 I’m trying to learn to recognize growing irritation and sort out why I’m irritated before exploding rather than afterward, but it’s hard. (edited for grammar)

          • i … the thing is, don’t explode, even when I want to. And I don’t have any freaking stops. I don’t TELL people when I’m upset. (Why would I? Then they know they got to me)… … I was teased a lot in school, can you tell?

            • Why would I? Then they know they got to me Aye. School can suck that way. Exploding was not a great way to handle it, either, but I never mastered not breaking down crying when sufficiently stressed. Engage, avoid, or ignore is a frustrating choice, and ignore is never fun. For what it’s worth, engage works on adults a lot more often than it does on kids. You could practice exploding! Volume or violence? (Okay, not helpful …)

                • I don’t generally recommend exploding — among other things, it scares the hell out of some people, including some who weren’t the problem — but once in a while it is easier than engaging and better than ignoring. Regardless, I hope you don’t *need* to explode.

                  • Sometimes I feel like exploding is the only way I will actually express an opinion when I’m angry. But I almost never GET there.

  1. *hugs* I am sorry you had to announce a boundary. I have gotten back on track after a weekend of running about in the woods with no computer! I hope you and T and the kittens and the garden are generally well.

    • Boundaries are good things!! Announcing them makes me squiiiirm, and I generally have to have someone run into them to know they’re there, but it’s good to have them! I am doing well. Yourself?

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